AHHH. HOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWHOWWWWW!!D;

Recently, I keep texting
random texts to my closer friends.
Carian: AHHH! HOWWW!
OR
Carian: HAIZ

XYZ: Huh. How what.
Carian: ):):):):):
XYZ: Oh results ah.

APPARENTLY, I think Im the only one worrying. And it feels that nobody else worries as much as me!D; I cant turn to my jc friends cos apparently, everyone WANTS their results to be back like ASAP. And when I rant to them they will be like, its ok what, it has to come back sooner or later. GOSH. I feel like slapping myself D;

Very unsure how I will react after I get my results. Will Kitty Tan look at me and like : WAH Carian what happen. I thought you will do well/improve. And then I will start crying, run out of hall and cry. Unable to turn to M because God knows he will be the top student in his class, or even one of the toppies in TJ. Everyone will be crowding ard him, and I will be left alone.
I can imagine myself walking towards my parents who secretly drive their way to school, and give me a call that they are downstairs and ask me not to cry (Just like any other results day). Friends who see me cry will give words of consoles, but hell yeah, it wont be of any help I think. Afterall they are the ones doing well, and of course when you are in a good mood, you have the 'mood' to console others.
And then when I hop onto the car, I willl just cry, and my mum will ask to see my results. NOPE, she wont scold, and she will go:" Kao dou kao guo le, just have to accept your results, this few days just go and research about where you wanna go lor, if can go SIM then go lor, papa and mama will try our best to let you finish your private uni course." After a short silence she will be "So are you still going for your Taiwan trip" Then I will be like, "I dunno la, then cry and cry"

In the meanwhile M will be trying so hard to contact me via sms or call. But I will like reject all his calls and everything. Probably receive some sms from G, WL, Kenny and some others about my results. Most probably I will call someone who is in the same plight as me and cry. And then who knows, find out that that person I called did better then me. CRIES.

Cheong home, my sister see me, ask parents why I cry, then my mum will probably go:" Because jiejie very sad, she did not do well for her exams"
Then my sister will ask:"But why jiejie didnt do well for her exams" After awhile I will fall asleep and my mum will enter the room and hug me and whatever.
By this time, M probably took a cab down to find me to give me a hug, or went back home to see his parents and then off they go to ICA to get his renewed passport. AND his mum will probably try to sms or call and ask about me, results, and if Im going with them. Then I will like, "Aunty I really donnt know" OR "I dunt think so" And before I know anything, his parents have already book tickets for them, confirmed the tickets and all. M will be sad/dunno what feeling ask me why I dont want to go. And before he knows anything, his mum will sms or call him about his results, and that their Taiwan tickets are confirmed. M will hurriedly put down the phone and perhaps cry with me.

Gosh I feel so selfish why do Ive to make someone with near straight As to cry with me?!?!?! And I would probably say things that are unpleasant. BLAHBLAHBLAH. 13/14 of March they all set off for the trip. I stayed at home, refused to send him, contact him or anything. Ok maybe I secretly do want him to stay in Singapore for me if I cant go, but I know his parents will never allow him to. Somehow they seem to me, that they are super desperate to go overseas. For I dunno what reasons, bring the economy to greater heights? And so M will be away from me for 5 days or is it 6. And soon when he come back he would have realised that Im over him (But in my heart IM NOT) But I will force myself to have a breakup. I think.

I know Im fucking childish or whatever. Its just me. Just live with it.

but of cos lets think of the BETTER SENARIO OK???! (:(:(:(:

I go to school after work, sit down at the hall and listened to a series of scary and unrelated to me talks. EG who is the highest this and that. Best computing student MR M. A list of top CGs (Which probably have my class' but surely im not contributing to it like FUCK?), top few students or maybe list of top 40-50, seeing M's name makes me feel like some fucking loser. Sorry I dunno why I cant fucking be happy if I know he did well and I did so badly. COS we studied tgt almost everyday 1 month before As. Before that also have la. BUT DAMN INTENSIVE FOR 1 month. AND FUCK he get his AAAAAA or AAAABB or AAAABC.
And oh its time to get results, I see Kitty Tan I wanna just snatch away the slips without looks at her face. But she went like :" Well done Carian, you did ok." You get your a few As and Bs, but aiyoh your GP ah. TSKTSKTSK.(I expect myself to you know moderately pass my dumb gp and maybe a C/D for Chem) Then I open my slip, and WAH! I got A for PW A for Geog B for Maths B/C for physics C/D for Chem and a D for GP I happpy. CALL MUM, sms everyone and go party for FRI. And even if M gets AAAABB or even AAAAAA I still ok with it.

Feels that IM FUCKING SELFISH but who cares. Although I know M will be rather upset after reading this post. And somehow the first senario seems more probable. SOMEHOW.

I want my A(pw) ABBCD or A(pw)BBBCC or A(pw) BCCCD its ok!!!!! or A(pw) BCCCE->(HAIZ) Ive no choice right. But at least my 3 H2s get CCC. OR A(pw) BCCDD. CCD for 3H2s also better then nth. FUCK LA.

MY FUTURE SEEEMS DAMN BLEAK. Skies are grey. Rain is coming. Im a predestrian desperate cos` I didnt bring my umbrella or poncho or raincoat again although I wrote in my diary thousands of times to remind myself. But in the end I still get caught in the rain. Drenched. And the streets are filled with happy people, glad that they remembered to bring an umbrella, however none of them wanna share with me or shelter me at least to the nearest shelter. Then, from afar, come a familiar face, so warm and so benovelent. Its my mum! Somehow she knows that I did not bring an umbrella, and have rushed out of house to pass me one.
My mummy is always there for me.